


Never Really Gone

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [26]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Disabled Character, Disassociation, Established Poe Dameron/Finn, Finn Loves Poe Dameron, Finn takes care of Poe Dameron, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Poe Dameron, Loss, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pilot Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Has Issues, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Finn (Star Wars), Resistance, The Resistance Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29016966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: It’s the anniversary of Poe's mother's death and Poe isn’t handling it well.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Kudos: 19





	Never Really Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This part is going to deal a little with the idea of disassociation which I’ve touched on earlier. It can be common with those with PTSD to have gaps of time where they don’t remember what happened or how they got where they are. Not everyone with PTSD experiences this and this is just one take on it, but I wanted to show the idea of Poe experiencing this a little so that I can revisit it in later stories. 
> 
> This part will deal with Poe’s thoughts about his mother and the loss and how that still impacts him to this day. Luckily, Poe has someone that is willing to fight through all this grief to remind him just how loved he is.

Poe scuffed his foot against the ground as he strode through the forest, muttering darkly. His hands were shoved in his pockets as he continued forward. He could hear the sound of ships behind him as well as some of the excited shouts from a few pilots who had started a pickup game of bolo-ball. One of the pilots from Poe's old squad had asked if he wanted to join. Poe respectfully turned him down and decided to just take a walk. There was no way that he could stay there when his mind was racing.

He had managed to slip away from Finn's watchful eye while Finn had been speaking to Ri-Tun. Poe had been relieved that he could actually have sometime to himself. He couldn't even remember the last time he been on his own. It certainly hadn't been recently. In fact, he was sure that it had been before his flashbacks had started. 

While he appreciated all that Finn did and understood Finn's reservation not to allow him far from his sight, he also needed to get away from the commotion of everything to clear his head and really think every once in a while. That also meant getting away from Finn.

Poe hadn't been walking long when his thoughts began to wander. He hadn't expected today to be easy by any accounts, but he hadn't been expecting to wake up to feel like a knife had plunged into his heart and was constantly twisting. Poe knew that it was just the grief that he felt and that he should be used to it by now. Yet, it wasn't something that he could easily shake.  
  
Today was the anniversary of Poe's mother, Shara Bey's, death. Poe could remember it clear as day when his mother had come into his room one night to announce that she would be leaving on a special mission directly from General Leia. Poe hadn't wanted her to leave, but she had reminded him how important it was and that she had a duty to preform. Even at age six Poe knew that somethings were inherently important. His mother had given him her wedding ring around and a necklace for him to keep safe until she came back. If on the off chance she was captured, there could be nothing to trace her back to Poe or his father, Kes Dameron. 

Shara Bey had still put Poe to bed that night and tucked him in. She had kissed his forehead and then left the room with the door ajar. Poe could distinctively remember his parents arguing about her leaving. Kes had been adamant that there was something wrong and he wanted to join her. She had refused and asked him to look after Poe until she returned. Kes had given in to her request and had held her close until she had to depart. 

It was nearly a half moon later when there was a knock at the door. Poe had rushed down from his room and had been expecting to see his mother. However, he had been crestfallen when he realized it was an older women that he did not know. It wasn't until Kes came around that he had introduced Poe to General Leia. Poe had hid behind his father's leg as Kes invited her in and given her a drink and something small to eat. She had been incredibly gracious and Kes had been civil. Poe had been playing at his father's feet with a few model X-Wings and TIE fighters when Leia had requested to speak to Kes alone.

Kes had shooed Poe up to his room to play. While Poe had been reluctant, he knew that it was important. He had headed back into his room, but he kept the door ajar. It was then that Poe heard Leia tell his father that his wife was dead. Kes had let out a wail that sounded like he had been shot by a blaster. Kes had crumpled right where he had stood with his hands pressed against his face as he sobbed. Poe remembered his breath catching in his throat a sob threatening to leave his body. He did his best to control his emotions so not to let the adults know that he was listening in. However, it had been almost impossible and he had ran to his bed and buried his face into the pillows to muffle his cries. 

Leia had left a short time after that, leaving Kes alone to raise little Poe. He was a great father in Poe's eyes. Poe knew how difficult it had been to be a single father and raise someone as headstrong as Poe. Not to mention that nearly everything Poe did reminded Kes of his wife. Poe had seen how devoted Kes was to his wife. Even after death she was never far from his mind. Poe sometimes caught Kes staring at old pictures of the two of them together. He also knew that nearly every night Kes would sit in front of their fireplace and cry as softly as possible so that Poe couldn't hear from his room. Little did Kes know that Poe cried every night for his mother just as he did.

That had been a long time ago, but those memories were still fresh in Poe's mind. He doubted that he would ever be able to forget that. It had been the first time he had truly felt pain. It had felt like someone had stabbed his heart, squeezed it, and then tried to pull it from his chest. Poe had been utterly devastated and the last thing that he had of her was her wedding ring. He had kept it and wore it everyday around his neck. It was a reminder that his mother was always with him as well as the promise that he had made to her. 

“When you meet someone and fall in love, I want you to give them that. Only when you find the one, little one.”

"How will I know," Poe had croaked. 

“You will know because of the way that they treat you. They will love you for you and nothing will be able to change that.”

Although all of the memories Poe had of his mother were happy memories, he couldn't help but miss her when he thought of her. He may have only been six when she died, but he still missed her more than anything. Kes had done the best job that he could raising Poe on his own. The two had grown very close. Poe still would've wanted his mother beside them to enjoy the memories that they had built with each other. It didn't seem fair to Poe that he and Kes would live and she would have to die just because she was sent on that mission and hadn't come home. She had done what she thought was right and she had died because of it.

"Why did you have to leave me," Poe wondered out loud. "We needed you." Poe's hand reached under his shirt and grasp the ring tightly. It was cool against his palm and he let out a steadying breath. "I needed you."

It was one of the first times that Poe spoke out loud how he felt about his mother's death. Many on the base knew better than to bring up his mother. Others just assumed that Leia was his mother or at least had adopted him since she had raised him since he was a teenager and had joined the Resistance. Sometimes Poe was thankful not to have any awkward and forced conversation. Today, though, he wanted to only talk about his mother and what an incredible women and mother she was. Yet, he had no one to actually talk to at the moment.

Poe clutched the ring around his neck tighter as if holding on to the last shards of memory that he had of his mother. His jaw clenched in grief as he hung his head, a few sobs shaking his shoulder as he stumbled over to a fall tree and sat on it. He wasn't even sure how far he had wandered from base, but he knew that it must've been far enough that he couldn't see the base through the thick trees. He tried not to think about how scared Finn would be when he noticed that Poe wasn't there. 

As if his thoughts summoned him, the sound of thundering footsteps romping through the forest pulled Poe's attention. He turned his head sharply to see Finn struggling to make his way over to him. "Damnit! Why is every branch and root after me," Finn complained as he dragged his foot forward, kicking part of a root away from the path before coming over to Poe. "Hey, what are you doing out here? D-O was pretty distraught when he saw you leaving without him."

Poe sniffled as he rubbed the back of his hand against his ever moist eyes. "That droid needs to mind his own damn business."

Finn nodded slowly. "Well, I'll pass on that message to him, but I think that he'll more hurt to hear that than anything."

Poe knew that Finn was joking, but he couldn't even force himself to laugh. He just continued to hang his head as a shiver passed through his spine. 

Finn frowned knowingly. "What's wrong?" He shifted closer to Poe on the fallen tree until their shoulders touched. "Poe, I can see that something is bothering you. What is it?” 

Although Finn’s words were gentle, caring, Poe still had reservations against telling him what was troubling him. It seemed that everyday there was something new that set Poe off and Finn worked diligently to change it. Poe was sure Finn was tired of hearing Poe bitch and moan about everything and he worried that saying anything about his mother may give Finn another reason to worry about Poe’s mental state. 

“Poe?” 

Poe turned to Finn, seeing the fear shine in his gaze. This was a man that clearly loved him and wanted to help him in anyway possible. Poe felt that he owed Finn at least something so he didn’t go through the day fretting that he had been the reason that Poe was acting the way that he was.

Shifting, Poe raised a hand against the side of his neck and rubbed hard, a nervous habit he had begun to pick up. Finn wouldn’t classify it was quite a tic yet, but Dr. Firn had instructed Finn to allow Poe to express himself that way, making sure that the movements didn’t become potentially painful to Poe. Luckily, Finn had quickly found that holding Poe’s hand tightly always seemed to relax him even if he was in the midst of a dark thought, so long as he asked for permission. 

“Poe, can I hold your hand,” Finn requested. 

Poe blinked his eyes quickly and dropped his hand on his lap. Finn was quick to swoop it up in his two hands, feeling the callouses on the palm of Poe’s hands all the way to his bruised knuckles from numerous fights. Finn loved every part about Poe and that included his blemishes and imperfections that reminded Finn what Poe had done for the Resistance. 

Finn raised Poe’s battered hand to his lips and planted a soft kiss on each knuckle. Poe chuckled as Finn’s slight stubble tickled his skin. Finn was quick to join him, still massaging Poe’s hand to keep him in the here and now. 

Poe had begun to have issues with disassociation where he would sometimes wander off or have chunks of time missing that he didn’t remember. Dr. Firn had taught both of them to engage in an exercise that had Poe name things he could see, hear, touch, smell, and even taste if that was a possibility. The only issue was that Poe couldn’t do those things on his own and if Finn wasn’t with him when a dissociative episode occurred it would be a struggle for Poe to find his way back from the haze in his own mind.

“Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you now,” Finn requested, not wanting to push Poe while really wanting him to answer. 

Poe blinked his eyes again, seeming fixated on a bird that was chirping on a branch from a nearby tree. 

Just when Finn was sure that Poe wasn’t going to answer, the Resistance pilot turned to face him. “Today.....” Poe trailed off, a lump rising in his throat. 

“Poe? You can tell me anything, you know that, right?” 

Poe took in another deep breath and managed to remain looking at Finn. “Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.”

Shock coursed through Finn, mixing with frustration on his part and sympathy. “Oh, Poe! I’m so sorry! I had no idea.” Finn fumbled for words, tripping over himself when he tried to answer. “I should’ve known. I can’t believe that I didn’t realize it. I knew that it was coming up, but I just didn’t—“

Poe raised his other hand to halt Finn, mind spinning with everything his boyfriend was saying. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one that didn’t tell you.” 

“Yeah, but I should’ve known that something was off since you’ve been acting a little more distant than usual these past for days,” Finn murmured, half to himself.

Although he hadn’t meant to, Finn’s comment sliced through Poe’s now fragile ego. He hadn’t realized that he had become quite distant to his boyfriend despite sharing a bedroom and practically spending almost every minute with each other. However, it was nothing like how it had been when they first got together with ample amounts of playful banter, late night adventures, and plenty of lovemaking. Things were different now, and although Poe would’ve loved to think otherwise, they weren’t changing for the better.

Finn squeezed hard on Poe’s hand until Poe looked up questioningly. The right side of Finn’s mouth lifted up in a small, encouraging smile. “Tell me about her.....only if you want to.” 

Poe gazed at Finn in surprise. Although others on the base knew of his mother’s death, no one had asked him anything about it or about her. They all walked around him cautiously, unsure about how to approach him. The fact that Finn came right out and asked about her filled Poe with even more love for the man that he come to adore.

“She.......she was the most beautiful women that I’ve ever seen. Her hair was curly and black, like mine, and fell on her shoulders. Her eyes were crisp and always so warm. When she looked at my Dad it was always like the first time. She was head over heels for him and he adored her.” Poe coughed to clear his throat, mind growing hazy after that trip down memory lane. “But, she’s gone now, so there’s no point in continuing to bring it up.” 

“Poe, I want to hear those things. You have every right to grieve her and think about her, especially on this day.” Finn intertwined his fingers with Poe’s, tender skin between their fingers. “Did you not feel like you could tell me that before?”

Poe shrugged. “I’ve caused enough trouble. Why bring up something else?” 

“Because we’re in a relationship and that’s what people in a relationship do: they share things. I want to know when something is bothering you, no matter how trivial you may think it is,” whispered Finn. It had taken them so long to get to where they were in their relationship, and then things like this happened that made Finn fear that they were only going backwards. 

Before Finn could try and say something out, he heard Poe give out a bleary sniffle. Turning, Finn realized that tears were streaming down Poe’s face, adding to his now runny nose and shivering fame as he tried to hold back sobs. 

“Oh, Poe,” Finn began, completely taken aback by Poe’s sudden shift in demeanor. 

Poe raised a hand to his mouth to muffle the cries while still holding Finn’s hand with the other. His shoulder began to shook as shuddering breaths overwhelmed him, making him feel lightheaded and face feel flushed.

Finn scooted even closer to his lover and brought an arm around Poe’s shoulders. He expected Poe to just lean into his touch, but Poe reached out and buried his head into Finn’s chest, trembling and sobbing as he gripped Finn as tightly as possible. It was something Finn wasn’t immediately expecting considering that Poe had been less that receptive to touch lately. Poe had tried to explain it as something to do with memories of torture and Finn hadn’t been one to question it. The fact that Poe was seeking out touch so readily and nearly begging with Finn for it told the former Stormtrooper that while he hated to see Poe in any sort of distress, the fact that he was reaching out for Finn for physical comfort had to be a good sign.

Finn took his arms from around Poe and began to rub small circles on his back. When it was clear that Poe wasn’t going to shy away from the touch, Finn tried a more rigorous approach. He leaned forward to whisper in his ear and plant a kiss on his temple. Finn’s hands continued to rub and pat when he saw fit, making hushing noises that were as comforting as possible. This wasn’t the first time he had dealt with an emotional Poe and that helped him figure out what was comforting for his boyfriend and what wasn’t. 

The two laid close close to one another, Finn’s shirt becoming wet with Poe’s tears. He continued to whisper soothingly in Poe’s ears, beginning to rock back and forth with him. Finn wasn’t sure what he could say to make this better for Poe and he hoped that just his presence would be enough. 

It was a short while later when Poe began to pull back from Finn. His eyes were wet and puffy from crying, breath catching in his aching throat from all the sobbing. “I’m sorry,” Poe mumbled, running the side of his hand under his slick undersides of his nostrils. 

“Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just glad that you felt comfortable enough to share it with me.” Finn gave him a reassuring nod. “Is there anything that I can do to make this better?”

Poe thought for a moment only to shake his head gravely. “I-I don’t think so.” He continued to rub at his eyes to disguise the fact that he had been crying. “It just hurts still so much.”

Finn couldn’t remember anyone that he considered a parent, but he knew how much Poe had cared for his mother even if it pained him to talk about her. “I know it does.” Finn swallowed heavily and flicked his head to the side. “Sometimes when I’m upset a walk does me good. I mean, if you want I think it would be a nice way to maybe spend some time together without everyone crowding around and without so much commotion.” Finn raised a hand to rub behind his neck. “Only if you want to, though.”

Poe gave Finn a tired smile, relief shinning in his slick gaze. “I would love to, Finn.” 

Finn looked over to Poe and brought his head closer. “Kiss?” Finn had found it best now to ask that of Poe instead of just assuming. There had been one unfortunate accident when he forgot to ask and Poe had sprinted across the room at the mere sight of Finn leaning closer. 

Poe didn’t hesitate to press his lips delicately against Finn’s. He was quick to lean back, rubbing the side of his nose with his hand bashfully. “I’m not very attractive right now,” Poe mumbled to himself with a forceful sniffle to demonstrate.

“Seriously? You’re always attractive to me.” Finn stood slowly and offered his hand to Poe, allowing him to decide whether to take it or not. 

Poe gook Finn’s hand and slowly rose to his feet. Not only did Poe take Finn’s hand, but he looped his arm around so that their shoulders were pressed flush against one another. Their shadows became fused as one as they continued down the forested path. They didn’t talk; they didn’t need words to express what both of them were feeling. 

Often times, words didn’t have to be the only way for them to communicate and that was okay in both their minds.

**Author's Note:**

> I have the outline for the next part and I’m going to bring back the support group once again since I love writing them so much. I hope to have it up as soon as possible for you all. As always thank you for reading and I hope you are all staying safe and healthy!


End file.
